She Owns It

Celebrating, Connecting, and Supporting Women Entrepreneurs

7 Ways To De-Throne The Drama Queen In The Workplace @AngeKYoumatter

by Leave a Comment

by Angela Kambouris | Featured Contributor

Like tornados, drama queens whirl through the workplace, suck the oxygen out of the air you breathe, and their strength leaves behind a huge swathe of destruction. Like emotional vampires, they zap the energy out of you in five seconds. For the drama queen, the workplace is their stage. They immerse you in crisis driven stories, exaggerate their details and inject their fangs without warning, worshipping you one minute and setting you on fire the next.

You all have that co-worker, the one who overplays every situation. Workplace drama creeps its way into all professions but that doesn’t mean it has to stay.  You may not have the co-worker because some of you are that person. Too early, too soon? Everyone does drama to some degree and when someone professes they don’t do drama at all, it’s time to give them the mirror.

Drama queens never see themselves as part of the problem

There is always someone else or something else to blame. If they look at themselves, they are the victim and immerse themselves in the attention to divert any conversations about what is really going on. Drama invites drama.

This very elite group of women and men are highly skilled in both engaging and repelling everyone around them. A selfie whilst embarking on a once in lifetime Europe trip, having your first book published or about to celebrate your wedding anniversary seems to fit within the realm of what most people would publish, however, committed drama queens capture all elements of their world, themselves and the food they eat. They obsess with looking perfect, every last detail from hair, nails, and makeup. All this preening and posing leaves little time for meaningful relationships.

They troll for allies, turn conversations into a competition and their modus operandi in drama is to feel justified. The payoff – “see, l was right”. Drama queens build bonds with people who share in their negativity – people who join in on name calling, shaming and guilting make the best companions.

Bold & The Beautiful

When on the sidelines, drama queens can be funny or fascinating. Think about the Real Hollywood Housewives, Bold and the Beautiful or Days of our Lives – hyperbole and hysteria. They catastrophize small anxieties into big disasters, cry wolf at the slightest sign of trouble to be rescued, obsess over ideas of beauty, wealth and awesomeness. Trump any good or bad fortune with a story of their own, they will throw you under the bus and very quickly will point fingers. They display theatrical shows of vulnerability to dominate conversations with personal stories and can make threats to self-harm when the spotlight slips away. They spray their chaos onto you.

Katherine Crowley, co-author of Working with You Is Killing Me: Freeing Yourself from Emotional Traps at Work describes drama queens as people who can’t self-regulate their own emotions so when something happens, they may feel as of their world is ending. More often, it’s not.

Entitlement to attention

Everything that happens in the world will personally affect a drama queen. The one who posts on social media after a tragedy about their feelings and how it has affected them. The slightest comment or action will convert into their own personal story.

The drama queen constantly is searching for more significance in their life. In today’s digital world, fear is handed on a platter for people to consume. The drama queen, also known as the “disaster matcher” heavily invests in the sad news with an intent to amplify how they have been affected more than anyone else.

Permanent megaphone

The drama queen loves to tell anyone who will listen to their frustrations. They will roll their eyes, sigh loudly begging for someone to ask them what is wrong. If nobody engages, they will volunteer an explanation as to why they are so bothered and continue to repeat the variations of the drama to whoever will listen over the next 10 years. They will capitalize on any opportunity.

Identification of the traits of a drama queen early and taking immediate action to set clear, strong boundaries will preserve your sanity and serenity. Let me share with you tips on how to have better conversations with “queens” who drive you crazy, how to avoid behaving like them and if you need to, de-throne them.

Are you a Drama Queen?

Sometimes you need to undertake a self-assessment to determine if the drama queen is you. If there are multiple people in your life basking in drama, then the common denominator is you. Take stock and ask yourself:

  1. Do you feel important when someone immerses their neediness on you?
  2. Are you the “sanest” one in your group and this makes you feel safe and important?
  3. When you are amongst a group of people do you like to stir things up and bring the focus back to you?
  4. When you listen to a friend sharing a recent painful event, are you caught up in your own mindset thinking about your life events and what story you can share with them or how you can top that?
  5. You gain a few extra pounds and you view it as a catastrophic disaster?
  6. Are you always sharing the highs and lows of your life, convinced every detail matter to your audience?
  7. Do you describe you every day as horrible, terrible, awful, tragic in it?
  8. When something relatively minor happens or doesn’t go your way, do you ensure that everyone within earshot knows about it at that moment or one week, 2 months or 1 year later you continue to ruminate how unjust the world can be?

If there is a resounding yes to any of these questions, you may want to hit the pause button and re-evaluate your level of importance when it comes to any type of relationship. Every human being wants to feel valued but when the scales tip over and your need for attention outweighs your need for healthy relationships, it’s time to edit the story.

Invest in you

One of the greatest ways to drop your inner drama queen is to practice personal solitude. Rather than walk the easy path of external distractions, take the path less traveled. Crowley suggests practicing “physically unhooking” by finding the best ways for you to release the tension the drama queens create. Go for a walk, practice yoga, allocate time to meditate to support you to be grounded and come back to your center.

Get her to become an observer

As a leader, interrupt the dynamic to move the conversation along. When in conversation suggest the drama queen alter their physical space. For instance, if she was sitting on a chair in the office ask her to move the chair to the furthest point in the office and face a different view. As her to look at the wall as though it is a TV screen and she is watching the last event being played out. Ask them to describe what happened in a detached manner. If stuck from detaching, move the chair even further away until watching as a curious observer.

Focus on the facts, not story

When you focus on the facts you are better equipped to manage the situation more effectively. Drama queens will tap into their overactive imaginations and you will hear things like, “she thinks this and that about me” as if they are a mind reader or “I have this gut feeling”. Continual reinforcement of bringing them back to the facts will either create a shift in thinking or they will move on to the next person.

Knock off a drama queen’s crown

Office drama queens need to be dethroned. Most people thrive on drama because they believe in their drama and think the problem is outside of them. When engaged with a drama queen, boundaries are imperative. When they begin to vent, establish the fact that you can no longer take part in the drama. You will need to lead by example.

Invest in how can l help?

Workplace conflict about insignificant details wastes time if the project goal or bigger picture has been embraced. Rolling eyes about a deadline or requested revisions set a bad example for others on a team. Drama erupts when groups waste time arguing about what can’t be done. Instead, make it happen.

Stop rewarding the behavior

When you engage in discussion, even passive listening when the dirt is being dished about others, you reinforce the drama venting. If you rescue them or take their accusation personally, you have entered the web. Setting boundaries and standard about what you will tolerate gives the drama queen a clear message. Tell the truth and tell them that “the venting doesn’t work for you”. You set the standard about how you want to be treated and what you tolerate.

Short-circuit a quest for attention and put responsibility back where it should be. Make a suggestion but don’t fix the problem. You don’t want to build a co-dependent relationship, rather empower queens to find solutions on their own.

Why Women Must Own It: Communicating Confidence in the Boardroom and Beyond by @wsrapport

by 2 Comments

SOI-SBW

Photo Credit: stockimages via FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

by Karima Mariama-Arthur | Featured Contributor

In business, communicating confidence is currency—it’s quantifiable and can translate huge dividends for those willing to brandish a little bit of old-fashion moxie. Now, while this notion has traditionally worked for men, it hasn’t always been such a sure bet for women. In a recent Bloomberg interview, BBC World News America anchor Katty Kay and “Good Morning America” contributor Claire Shipman explore this notion and expose the confidence gap between men and women. Katty and Claire are also co-authors of The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know. Read more about their research and findings here.

So, why is confidence such a big deal? And, why isn’t competence the “be-all and end-all” for women in business? Well, competence is really only part of the equation. Women, just like men, do better in business by experiencing confidence in 3D. By leaving valuable trump cards on the table—like confidence, for example—we set ourselves up for less than stellar results.

I’ve worked with numerous male and female business professionals during the course of my career and my experience confirms that being competent means nothing if you don’t believe it. Sure—we’ve all heard that you can “fake it until you make it”, but that’s simply a prophylactic measure. Confidence must be real. It must be visceral. It must be owned.

Confidence is compelling. When you harness its power, you win. How’s that? You gain immediate, first-class, strategic advantages in business, which allow you to advance your “pawns” to premium positioning: you elevate your thinking, your performance, and your results. You can’t get those kinds of outcomes by “faking it.” With the power to seal a deal, or break it, confidence is a golden calling card that women simply cannot afford to be without. So, if the evidence demonstrates that men have mastered this criterion in business, then quite frankly, why shouldn’t we?

Ladies, here are 4 key reasons why women must own it and communicate confidence in the boardroom and beyond:

Confidence is currency. Confidence is the necessary quid pro quo (“consideration”) in every business transaction. You need it and it will take you FAR. It raises the stakes and opens doors. It helps to position you as the expert, facilitate the exchange of value, and ultimately “transact” business. You would never think of making a new purchase without first giving value (payment), right? Well, doing business of any kind without confidence is a deal-breaker and will leave you strategically bankrupt. Don’t do it.

Confidence says “Take me SERIOUSLY.” Ladies, you want to play in the big league? Get ready to play full out. If you want to be taken seriously, bring some old-fashion moxie to the game and introduce it at the outset. Insecurity, self-doubt, and hesitation can all be seen from a mile away. And, if you’re not convinced of your own competence, then why should anyone else? That’s right. Don’t expect more from others than you expect of yourself. If you want to be taken seriously, demonstrate that you have confidence to be in the game and win it.

Confidence influences brand perception. Your brand is your billboard and it’s always at stake. And, if you’re in business, you are always in the business of managing your professional brand. Everything you say or do has the potential to impact it. With that in mind, brand yourself as someone who executes “boss moves” with confidence and you’ll hardly have to worry about earning a reputation for being an easy mark.

Confidence impacts performance. What the mind harbors, the body manifests. If you don’t believe that you can get the job done with excellence, then your performance will reflect it. Why risk showing up like an amateur? Why risk having your qualifications second-guessed? The odds are not in your favor. Increase your confidence and boost your performance. It’s just that simple.

Here’s the deal: Confidence is an essential life skill. And, it’s critical for business. Therefore, we must own it. Make confidence the gateway, and not a roadblock to your success. Play bigger, stand taller, and… own it!

Not sure where you fare on the confidence meter? Take Katty and Claire’s confidence code assessment here:

To your success!

Photo Credit: stockimages via FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
__________________________________________

Karima Mariama-Arthur, Esq.Karima Mariama-Arthur is a corporate attorney and the Founder and CEO of WordSmithRapport, an international consulting firm specializing in professional development. For helpful tips on increasing confidence and solving performance challenges, connect with her on Facebook,  and for a quick dose of #Leadership inspiration, follow her on Twitter, @wsrapport.

The 5 Customer Parasites That Will Cripple Your Business

by 1 Comment

Photo Credit: Gilles San Martin via Compfight cc

Photo Credit: Gilles San Martin via Compfight cc

by Andrew McDermott

PICTURE THIS:

Your co-workers are depressed.
Morale is low.

Everyone’s missing deadlines. Work isn’t getting done.

People can’t seem to get along.
Everyone’s unhappy, bitter even.

Work reeks of tension.
When you started you were excited, optimistic.

Now the thought of coming in fills you with dread.
It’s taken the joy out of what you’re doing.

It? Don’t we mean ‘they’?

When we go through this kind of suffering it’s easy to focus our attention on our business. On our co-workers. Our teammates.

But it’s rare for us to take a closer look at our customers. Most of us have remnants of the belief “the customer is always right” floating around in our heads.

They may be right about what they want

But that doesn’t mean it’s right for you. Some customers come to you with a genuine need, a problem they want you to solve. These customers are easy to recognize and wonderful to have. They’re the kind of customers you need to build a successful business.

Then there’s your ‘other’ customers.

The parasites.

These customers do what any parasite does. They attach themselves to you and they feed off your business. They suck your business dry, draining your time, money, resources and morale.

What makes these customer parasites so dangerous is the fact that most businesses aren’t even aware they’ve been infected. Because customer parasites thrive on ignorance. It gives them the power and control they need to do their damage, take what they can and quickly move on.

You need the power of awareness.

If you plan on recognizing these customers for what they are, you’ll need to become aware. Your power comes from education. You’ll need to be able to recognize, understand and anticipate each parasite you encounter. They go about things in different ways but their goal remains the same.

They take.

Your goal: Spotting the parasites.

There are 5 distinct types of parasites. While their overall goal is the same (take from you), their approach and the things they want specifically are often very different. This is important because each type focuses their attention on attacking specific areas of your business.

  • The Arranger tries to arrange deals, circumstances and events so things always seem to be win/lose in their favor. When arrangers send you their terms or agreements, they need to be inspected carefully, meticulously – so you don’t get burned. Anything they ask for needs to be scrutinized.
  • The Schemer wants loopholes. They look for ways over, under, around or through your policies. They’re looking for a way to game the system, your system. They’ll look for ways to take what they want from you without giving anything in return. The schemer wants to beat you and take whatís yours.
  • The Slanderer uses guilt and shame to control you. They talk about how you’ve let them down. They’ll call you names, badger your staff, or provoke you in an effort to get you to lose your cool. At that point, they have the justification they need to renege on a promise or commitment they’ve made.
  • The Disrupter is controlling. They’re the type of customer that gives your employees assignments. They demand to be the exception to the rule and expect to be in control. They throw tantrums when they don’t get their way and they use it to control those that work with them. Instead of following the plan you have for their business, they arrive with orders and plans of their own that they expect you to follow.
  • The Corruptor is consistently dishonest. They’ll say or do anything they can to get what they want. They’ll lie to your face or encourage you to lie for them. They’ll get your hands dirty and set you up to take the fall for their bad behavior. They’re constantly working to erode your morals and your values.

What’s worse, a single customer can display more than one type of parasitic behavior, sort of like a super parasite.

You’re aware of customer parasites, how are you supposed to stop them?

With clear and specific boundaries.

Preventing customer parasites requires that you establish clear boundaries. What are you willing to give?

Let’s say you offer a 60 day money back guarantee and a Slanderer or Disruptor shows up on day 89 demanding a full refund. How are you gonna handle that? Will your team handle things the same way?

How will you deal with the Arranger that tries to edit the terms of your agreement or demand extras after the sale?

Figuring out the do’s and don’ts ahead of time gives your business the protection it needs when you’re ambushed by these parasites. Strong boundaries draw a line in the sand, showing you where everyone stands.

If you’ve stated your refund policy clearly and upfront, it’s easy to identify the parasite that shows up demanding that you change the rules for them.

What if most of your customers behave this way from time to time?

You’re looking for behavioral trends, not one-off outbursts or rare instances of bad behavior. We all have our bad days. That’s not what we’re talking about here. For customer parasites, this sort of behavior is a way of life for them; it’s how they get things done.

Because customer parasites are joy stealers.

They bring tension, misery and bitterness with them wherever they go. Creating boundaries enables you to take back the joy, happiness and excitement you started with.

What about you? I’d love to hear your story. How’d you deal with your customer parasites?

—————————————————————————————-

Andrew McDermottAndrew McDermott is the co-founder of HooktoWin.com. His Free 5 day mini course shows entrepreneurs how to fix website failure and attract customers automatically.