She Owns It

Celebrating, Connecting, and Supporting Women Entrepreneurs

Shame in the Workplace by @HeidiDalzell

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by Heidi J. Dalzell, PsyD.

Too many women are terrified of taking risks and making a mistake, socially or otherwise, because they fear other people shaming them.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., Goddesses Never Age

I remember my first experience of being shamed in the workplace. It was before I’d made the leap to a psychology practice and a corporate trainer in a large financial services firm. My supervisor, miffed at something, said to me sternly “I thought you were perfect, but …” It wasn’t in the words, or dismissive tone. It was more in the message I did not measure up.

I felt a deep sense of shame.

There were other similar comments from this supervisor, about the way I dressed and interacted, even that my gloves made my hands look too big.  A coworker who was being laid off from a defunct department did not get a job within ours because my supervisor noticed a thread on her skirt. And so on. While these experiences were a good number of years ago now, I still obsessively check for those hanging threads that could hold me back.

The most damaging thing about these comments: my supervisor was another woman.

And her expectations were unattainable.

Women are routinely shamed within the workplace: for their bodies, their personalities, their dress, and feelings. They may be shamed for being different from the corporate culture. Many such messages tap in to childhood wounds, proving our “badness” again and again.

Because shame is so global, we internalize it, literally taking it into our bodies.

Why Is Internalized Shame So Negative?

 Comments like the one I received don’t provide a growing experience or one that encourages risk taking and creativity. If I could not wear the gloves I wanted, how could I present an innovative new idea in our staff meetings? Or take a risk in trying something new?

Christiane Northrup, in her renowned book on women’s health, identifies shame as hands-down the most destructive emotion that women can experience. It drains women, of their life-forces and creativity. Instead they put their energy into self-hared and self-preservation.

Shame results in feeling unlovable and unworthy. People who are shamed develop a harsh inner critic.

Shame holds you back. Gay Hendricks, author of The Big Leap calls this an “upper limit problem.” Women who hold on to shame may not feel that they deserve love, freedom or success.

Resolving Internalized Shame

 The good news: we can resolve shame.

If you are shamed within the workplace, there are several questions that you can ask yourself. Is any part of this feedback true? If so, what can I do to change this? What have I learned from this situation?

When the feedback does not fit, it’s also ok to reject it without needing to understand where it came from.

It’s also important to be aware of your inner dialogue. If you are talking to yourself in a way that you would not talk to a cherished person in your life, adopt a more compassionate tone and message.

Opening ourselves to compassion leads to forgiveness of past shame as well as greater self-acceptance. It can be a hard lesson but one that is vital for success in the workplace.

 

 

6 Things Learned in Pitching to the Press by @HeidiDalzell

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by Heidi J. Dalzell, PsyD.

Building your brand? Want to increase your presence? Most of all, do you have something important to say? A great way to showcase your knowledge and talents is by sharing them with media outlets who then share your voice widely.

There are a number of free and paid sites where you can find media opportunities (sometimes called “queries”). One of the best and most widely used is HARO, Help A Reporter Out. HARO is a type of matchmaking service, which pairs the media with expert sources like you. It’s free, and easy to use.

Some big outlets use HARO, including Forbes, the New York Times and the Huffington Post. The requesting source is generally listed in the query description. Some say “anonymous,” which could mean anything, although I’ve been told it’s usually a bigger outlet looking to limit responses.

I prefer the digest service, which delivers opportunities to my mailbox 3 times a day. Scanning usually takes 5 minutes or so. If I see something I like, I flag it to return to later. If not, I throw it away and wait until the next time. A day or two could go by without anything of interest, then 2 or 3 in a day.

Media requests are grouped into categories that correspond with your business focus, such as Healthcare, Finance, Education and Lifestyle. Reporters typically post a brief description of what they are seeking your expertise on. Here’s how it works: suppose a reporter wants to know about great travel destinations for families seeking a beach vacation. You are a travel expert with some favorite spots, and can speak knowledgably about this. There you have an ideal match. Send your “pitch,” which can range from answering a question or two, to being available for a more in depth interview. Press send, and your work is complete.

If you are pitching, know that you will strike out – frequently. On a query like the one I described, reporters are likely to get many responses. Yours must stand out in some way. To increase your chances of a home run, follow these tips:

Respond to what the reporter is asking for. Don’t tell them why families should visit Disney instead, or pitch romantic vacation spots. The queries are really specific, and wasting the reporter’s time is frustrating for them, and does not get you placed. Many of the queries are also specific about who they are seeking responses from, which may include being of a certain demographic. Lately there have been many reporters seeking to amplify Black voices. If there’s a specific request like this, please be respectful.

Don’t over respond. It’s tempting to be an expert on everything at first. You’re not, so don’t send responses to everything. I recommend choosing no more than 5 specialty areas. These are things you’re good at, or passionate about. For instance, I have many year’s experience in the field of eating disorders (years add to credibility) but have a true passion for mindfulness practices. I’ve had great responses to these areas, in large part because I really love them.

Sell your expertise, leave your ego behind. There’s a fine line between expertise and ego. If you are offering a quote about something, don’t spend most of your allocated 150 words selling yourself. I usually provide an up-to-date brief bio following the requested information, and include links to my website. Don’t expect that you will merit more than a brief description (usually it’s something like “eating disorders psychologist). I also include my title in the subject line and may say something like “eating disorders psychologist debunking fad diets.” Even with a brief mention in the article itself, potential clients find you when what you say resonates. Have the online presence that makes that easy.

A unique voice sells. After doing this for a while, I can now tell when I’ve hit a homerun, a double or possibly walked. Keep your voice yours – reporters can get the same old responses all over the Net – and have a unique perspective. If you are an expert on something, and the pitch really resonates, tell the reporter why. For instance, if a reporter is seeking tips on dealing with insomnia, and you are an expert in this area and have struggled yourself, that adds a different perspective. Don’t be afraid to say something pithy, such as “I always lose count when I try counting sheep.”

Be attuned to deadlines. They are clearly listed in the query, and often tight. If you can’t meet them, don’t bother. Reporters are off to the next big story, not sitting around waiting for you. Most reporters are working on deadline, so it’s rare that you get a response back to a pitch, unless they need more information. That may mean they are not interested in what you are pitching, or it may mean they have enough information from your email. A completed story may be your first contact back. When I strike out, I still keep a copy of what I sent to revise for future pitches.

Share widely. When reporters feature you in an article, they send a link to the story. Return the favor by sharing the story widely, crediting the reporter of course. I’ve made some great contacts, and some friends in the media, but sharing on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Linkedin.

In addition to HARO, some other services you can check out are SourceBottle, Profnet and Kiti.

I hope to see other She Owns It readers on major media outlets soon. Happy pitching!

 

 

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome by @HeidiDalzell

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by Heidi J. Dalzell, PsyD.

“If you don’t believe you’re good enough or smart enough or informed enough to have a voice in the conversation, you never will.” Susie Moore, Life Coach and Entrepreneur

Imposter syndrome is that oh so painful feeling of not measuring up. For many of us it’s a fact of life, even within our businesses, and often despite evidence that we are experts in our own rights. The problem with imposter syndrome, as Susie suggests, is that it holds us back from creating the life we desire.

My recent bout with imposter syndrome came during my first international speaking gig, and ironically with the critical, judgmental voice of a fellow American.

At this conference, a colleague and I were facilitating a workshop we’d done many times before to pretty universal accolades. Not this time. Instead, we had a heckler in the audience. This person criticized an exercise I was facilitating, and in a very public way. It didn’t help that the individual had some clout and a following at the conference, or that the person also handed us a written accounting of all we had gotten “wrong” at the end of the session. I somehow ended up as a participant in several other sessions that this “expert” attended, and her “expertise” and need to provide commentary was pretty universal. Each facilitator, including the conference keynote, received a similar love note. While I saw this, I of course noticed that I was not the only object of such derision. But it did not change my sense of devastation at being so publicly attacked.

All I wanted for some time afterwards was to retreat, and in all honesty to wallow a little in self-pity. We’ve all been there.

While I’d spent all that time developing expertise in my field, and had stepped into the role of an influencer, I longed for the relative anonymity that comes with hiding. The tale I spun: I was not an expert at all. In fact, I was an imposter, a fraud. And no, it didn’t matter that I was a therapist who knew and understood imposter syndrome.

Many of us have had experiences of not measuring up to someone’s standards, either within the professional world, or early on as children and adolescents. As, women in particular it is easy to parlay these experiences into imposter syndrome. The good news is that in the same ways we learn imposter syndrome, we can also unlearn it.

Assessing Sources of Imposter Syndrome

At least one source of my imposter syndrome clearly evident. They may not always be the case, and at times we have to take a walk down memory lane to see where our fears originate. It’s helpful to sit down with a journal and ask yourself some questions:

  • In which areas in my life do I lack confidence?
  • How does this lack of confidence manifest?
  • What childhood experiences have led me to believe: “I need to be perfect,” “I must always get things right,” “I can’t ask for help,” or “My competence is measured by what I know and how much I do”?
  • What present day experiences have contributed imposter syndrome?

Another area to explore, especially for women business owners are connected to our socialization. Many women are socialized to be humble and deferential. While I was encouraged to have a career, I was equally encouraged to stay home and raise my daughter – the model I was given growing up. Such mixed messages can contribute to imposter syndrome.

Once you’ve done a thorough inventory, you’re ready to begin the process of questioning.

Questioning the Validity of Imposter Thoughts

We internalize many pieces of information day-to-day. This does not mean that this information is valid or correct. When the so-called expert expressed criticism, at first I swallowed it hook, line and sinker. As I gained perspective I was able to incorporate the remarks that were valid, and leave the rest behind. That process involved me asking myself what was constructive in the feedback and what I could leave behind. Painful as the process was, using it constructively, rather than destructfully, helped me to grow. Thus, we must learn to critically question our thoughts. Does this thought help me? Or hinder me?

Many time this balanced awareness is just what we need to let go. Other tools include taking these negative thoughts about self and envisioning tying them to a balloon to float away or throwing them into the waves or fire. Whatever works for you is fine.

As we continue to create a personal brand, and are successful at it, we can attract detractors. Football superstar John Madden, who has a number of witticisms, says “the higher up the flagpole you climb, the more your underwear is exposed.” That is certainly true, so keep climbing to that place where you no longer care.

Reclaim Your Confidence

Reclaiming our confidence is challenging, but so important. What are you good at? Come on, it’s ok to brag – despite what you may have been told early on. In fact, a great tool for claiming or reclaiming your confidence is a brag book.

Originally used as an interviewing tool, a brag book (or wins journal) is a book of accolades about you. It can include recent accomplishments and successes, positive feedback from supervisors, colleagues and clients, even “thank yous” you’ve received. Keep your book updated as these kudos roll in, at minimum update it monthly. In addition to building confidence, your brag book can be helpful in developing points for your business elevator pitch.

Having Female Role Models

Who are the role models (especially the female role models) and experts on your field? How can you best emulate them and use them in an aspirational way? For me, that’s Brene Brown, hands down: a strong, confident role model that also allows herself to be vulnerable. She shares my own values of genuineness and authenticity. As you explore why these women and men are your role models, be sure to make note of your takeaways, including those areas of growth and synergy.

Mindfulness Practices

Finally, a plug for mindfulness practices as a great way to address that internally judging mind. Mindfulness involves consciously cultivating moment-to-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings and body sensations using a compassionate, non-judgmental framework. When we sense ourselves judging, we can simply tag those thoughts as “judging” and move away from them. Using a mindfulness lens we learn to stay in the moment and offer ourselves compassion for our perceived shortcomings. This present day focus moves us from the past (and future) to being fully in the present for self and others.

Overcoming My Fears

Numerous pep talks later, and after being strongly urged to get back on the horse rather than entirely changing the exercise, I began to get some distance. We looked at our workshop, and incorporated the feedback we felt was fair and balanced. The next conference was a success, as was the one after that, and so on.

Imposter syndrome just doesn’t square with my values of genuineness and authenticity.