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C.A.L.M. Your Way to Less Stress by @DrSandraH

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton CALM your way to less stress

by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

Stress. Just the word conjures up visions of feeling anxious, tired and stretched to the limit. Allowing ourselves to become overwhelmed by too many demands, decisions, and difficult people often results in feeling as if all that is within us is speeding up, and everything around us is spiraling out of control.  Attempting to relax may seem impossible, our lack of focus can lead to frustration, and our responses to others may be irritable and destructive. Unyielding levels of stress may even trigger physical symptoms such as respiratory difficulties, digestive issues, and cardiovascular effects.

Our mind and body signal us when we feel overstimulated. These are the moments when our hands tremble from consuming too much caffeine, or our racing thoughts scatter our concentration. Even positive excitement about an upcoming event can impede our focus on the matter at hand.

Slowing down our breath and quieting our thoughts can effectively manage the discomfort of escalating tension. Consider the following four steps to tame stress and recover a sense of calm:

C: COUNT TO TEN AND BREATHE.

Deep breathing techniques focus our attention away from negative thoughts and induces physical relaxation. Though there are many useful methods, slowly inhaling, taking a pause, and exhaling for a total of ten breaths will slow your heart rate and connect you to your body. Feeling centered will help you regain your sense of calm, and spare you from making impulsive decisions or harsh comments that you later regret.

A: ALTER YOUR THOUGHTS.

Changing our thoughts can positively affect our feelings and perceptions of control. Instead of engaging in a self-dialogue that consists of helplessness and suffering, remind yourself that the situation will pass, could be worse, and may not even matter at some point in the future.

L: LEAVE THE SITUATION.

Sometimes conditions can feel so overwhelming that we need to remove ourselves from the situation to find relief and regain our equilibrium. Taking a brisk walk — even for a few minutes — is an efficient and convenient way to breathe, refocus our thoughts, and have a change of scenery.

M: MAKE CONTACT.

Problem-solving with another person can be an effective way to discharge stress. Reach out to a friend or colleague and ask if they are willing to hear you vent for five minutes. When we request a few minutes, people are more likely to take the time to listen. Keep it to five minutes and promise to return the favor. If you have more to say when your time is up, call someone else. If talking with friends doesn’t provide relief, consider seeing a therapist or psychologist.

Optimal functioning requires a moderate amount of stimulation to stay motivated and energetic throughout the day. Phrases like “being in the zone” express those moments when we have the energy to sustain our drive and the equanimity to accomplish our goals. Monitoring our thoughts, body signals, and emotions, as well as managing the pace of our responsibilities, is central to maintaining composure. If we strive for a healthy balance of stimulation without moving into a stressful state, we create the potential to live our days with peace, improved health, and more kindness towards others.

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest

Why You Should ‘Give Up the Ghost’ on Ghosting by @DrSandraH

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by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

Why You Should ‘Give Up the Ghost’ on GhostingHaving a friend, date, or co-worker be a “no-show” is not a new story, but technology has transformed the “no-show” into a “no muss, no fuss” vanishing act called ghosting. For those of you that have been spared, ghosting is the act of terminating communication with a love interest, and intentionally avoiding contact with no explanation. Though the term specifically refers to dating relationships; we know that our friends, spouses, and relatives are just as capable of vaporizing into the ether.

Dating surveys suggest that these inexplicable disappearing acts have become a disturbing and accepted trend in relationship etiquette. Their findings show that both males and females have engaged in ghosting behavior or have been ghosted as a way to end a dating relationship. These results range from nearly 11% of Huffington Post participants; to approximately 25% of Survey Monkey respondents; and now in 2016,  a staggering 80% of online daters, ages 18 to 33 years, acknowledged that they have been ghosted. Though survey methods are known to have multiple flaws, these results suggest that the ghosting phenomenon has become a common practice of the break-up ritual.

Why do people unilaterally cease all contact for no apparent reason? Do they share the lifeless characteristics of a heartless ghost? Probably not — it’s more likely that electronic communication enables cowardice and reinforces passivity. Ghosting is an expression of how we separate from uncomfortable relationships, and may reflect a general pattern of avoidance that we bring to our friendships, jobs, and family connections.

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING 4 REASONS TO SHOW UP INSTEAD OF DISAPPEAR:

1. Inaction speaks as loudly as action.

Silence carries as much meaning as any other form of communication. The difference is that the message is harder to decipher and more likely to be misinterpreted. In the absence of information, the ghosted party may create an inaccurate story instead of assuming your lack of interest. In fact, caring souls may be concerned that something unfortunate happened to you.

2. Connection provides closure.

Direct communication reduces negativity and provides closure for all parties. Valuable time and energy won’t be spent on wondering about how to handle the lack of contact and will spare both of you of awkward moments in the future. Closing the loop also provides an opportunity to clarify assumptions. You may be surprised to find the lack of interest is mutual!

3. Showing up is an expression of strength.

Showing up will not only allow the other to know where they stand with you — you will know where you stand with yourself. Kindly telling the truth is a display of your power to have hard conversations, commitment to finish what you started, and compassion to see beyond your own needs. It takes less than five minutes to save someone from feeling unworthy of your attention.

4. It’s the human thing to do.

You are a person, not a poltergeist. It’s not easy to tell a friend, romantic partner, or relative that you don’t want to spend time with them; but you are more likely to create what you want to avoid if you don’t communicate directly. You increase the likelihood of future conflict, having your intentions misunderstood, and sustaining unnecessary negative feelings. People deserve the respect of knowing that their relationship has changed with you instead of feeling haunted by confusion and unanswered questions. They may not appreciate your decision, but they will respect your honesty. The choice is yours: respond as human with a heart, or fade away like a soulless ghost.

Photo: Source

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest

3 Ways to Reduce Anxiety and Put the “Fun” Back into “Functioning” by @DrSandraH

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - reduce anxiety

by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

Most of us say we are “stressed” as often as we say we are hungry; but how often do we confuse feeling stressed with a health condition that may sabotage our functioning? Our ability to adapt to rising stress levels can become so familiar to our existence, that what we call “stress” may actually be a mental health syndrome known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Nine percent of Americans will be diagnosed with GAD within their lifetime, and well over half of them will be female and approximately thirty years of age.

The hallmark symptoms of GAD are excessive worries that are plentiful, frequent, and disproportionate to the reality of the individual’s circumstances. Other common symptoms include muscle tension, nervousness, and feeling “keyed up” or unable to relax. Not surprisingly, the toll of excessive worrying may disrupt sleep and concentration, lead to fatigue or irritable mood, and even manifest as physical symptoms such as nausea or a headache.

Sound familiar? Consider Laura’s scenario:

Laura had been called a “worry wart” as long as she could remember. She worried about the usual demands of life — her job, relationships, and finances. Laura also focused on less consequential issues, such as an exchange she had with a cashier at the grocery store, or what might happen when she met up with friends after work.

When she was promoted to a more challenging position in her organization, Laura found herself constantly worrying about her new job responsibilities, as well as other less urgent issues such as wardrobe choices and the weather forecast. She had trouble getting to sleep as she reviewed what she needed to do the next day, thought about events she heard about on the news, and remembered the conversations she had with people during the day.

Laura’s unremitting apprehension began to wear on her body. She noticed she felt nauseated before she left for work, and her neck and shoulders began to feel tense most of the time. As a result of her lack of sleep, she felt fatigued and scattered in her thinking. Laura began to feel mildly depressed as she noticed that the clear–headed and efficient behaviors that led to her promotion were no longer a natural part of her functioning.

Laura’s symptoms are characteristic of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). On their own, any of Laura’s symptoms would be considered harmless; but when symptoms combine and endure over several months, they are likely to add up to a mental health issue. What is insidious about GAD is that many of the signs appear unrelated to anxiety because they are diverse and nonspecific. It would be easy to erroneously conclude that insomnia, headaches, and excessive worrying point to nothing more than a need for a vacation.

What you can do:

Observe yourself.

When we are under stress, we can lose track of ourselves and ignore disruptive thoughts, feelings, and physical complaints. Continually adapting without examining our daily experience will likely lead to a need for medical and psychological assistance.

Get it on paper.

People tend to ignore or forget signs and symptoms of anxiety during a stressful time. If you are going through a challenging phase of your life, keep a log of your physical and emotional reactions to stress. Consistently tracking any changes in your mind and body is the most effective way to assess how your current situation is affecting you.

Seek professional help.

If your worries and other symptoms persist for at least six months, see your physician to rule out a medical explanation for your condition. If you are given a clean bill of health, pursue the help of a qualified mental health professional.

We all have worries, and some days and weeks are worse than others, but life is too short to unknowingly suffer. The chronic worry, irritability and other symptoms of GAD that we attribute to stress can unwittingly become our “new normal” while taking their toll on our relationships and work performance. When worries control our behavior and rob us of life’s pleasures, it’s time to get some help and put the “fun” back into functioning.

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest

Toxic Friend Cleanse: Rid Yourself of Junk Food Relationships by @DrSandraH

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - junk food relationships

by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

Have you ever enjoyed spending time with someone, but then walked away feeling unfulfilled or even empty? You had fun, nothing particularly negative happened, but you felt as though something was missing. Looking back, you may not feel the desire to deepen the connection further — or even spend time with them again. There was no excitement when recalling the moments you experienced together, and no sense of loss when you consider that they may not reach out to you in the future.

Socializing can be an emotional gauntlet when discerning the difference between genuine connection and simply enjoying someone’s company. Like the array of wholesome and fast foods available to consume, there are plenty of people to pass the time with us. Some provide nutrition to our emotional growth and well-being; others offer gratification analogous to junk food.

We know one thing for sure when we reach for junk food — we love sweet treats and salty snacks. They’re inexpensive, readily available, and require no preparation. Though appealing and delicious in the moment, junk food affords no lasting value to our physical health.

“Junk food relationships” are likewise enjoyable, convenient, and require little time or energy; and, in small doses, they can make for a fond memory or an engaging story. Like the addictive taste of junk food, these hollow connections can pose a long-term risk if they are used as a substitute for loving relationships or meaningful friendships.

Our culture focuses much energy and time on managing physical health through diet and exercise. Knowing how to differentiate meaningful relationships from the fun, yet less nutritious junk food relationships will help you maintain your emotional well-being.

The difference between a healthy relationship and a junk food relationship:

We all know what a toxic relationship feels like, but identifying a junk food relationship can be less obvious because we like the person and feel good in their company. The difference is simple: the rush of a good time is the only thing you can count on in a junk food relationship. The person that you call at two in the morning when you are feeling down is the relationship that will emotionally sustain you.

Nutritious relationships are enduring, mutual, and interdependent. The investment of time and energy results in trust, loyalty, and deeper awareness of yourself and the other person. Junk food relationships are fleeting, focused on activities instead of connection, and don’t assume dependability or trust.

Not every relationship needs to be nutritious, but a steady diet of junk food relationships will leave you stuffed yet starving for emotional connection. Just as we need to feed our bodies with nutritious food, we need to feed our emotional selves with meaningful contact. Our time and energy should be directed to those who are willing to be there for us at two in the morning — and in kind, we should be there for them.

Be clear about the truth of your relationships:

Taking a hard look at our connection to others is similar to tracking the foods we consume. When observing our intake, we may learn that we are consuming more “junk” than we thought. There is nothing wrong with having junk food relationships if we recognize them for what they are — pleasurable and transient. In isolation, there may be little consequence for an impulsive crush, an indulgent weekend with friends, or a casual sexual experience. But confusing a superficial connection for friendship or love will leave you lonely, empty, and craving for more contact.

A junk food relationship is not a toxic relationship. It is not poisonous to you, and may be just what you need at the time; but just like junk food, it will fill you up with no lasting positive effect. There is no harm when experienced with clarity and moderation, but an overabundance of hanging out and hooking up can lead to emotional malnutrition.

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest

Valuing All Relationships: 5 Ways to Make Profound Connections by @DrSandraH

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - Valuing Relationships

by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

“Finding the one” and “lucky in love” are phrases that reflect the primacy of romantic relationships in our culture. Though a passionate and profound connection with a life mate is a beautiful adventure, those who choose to focus on other priorities, or have not had the opportunity, may feel that they are missing out on “living happily ever after.” Terms such as “significant other” and “committed relationship” imply a subtle devaluation of other relationships that may keep us from seeing the love that we do have in our lives.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development tracked the personal and professional lives of 724 people over the past seventy-five years. The results showed that the presence of meaningful relationships rather than a life partner was found to be a primary factor in living longer, protecting brain health, and maintaining emotional stability. The investigators also found that the quality — rather than the quantity — of emotional connections was more strongly associated with better overall health and well-being.

We have all experienced a moment when we wondered where we belong in the scheme of love and relationships. If you have lost an important relationship, be it friend, family or colleague; or have felt alone or lonely in spite of having many people in your life, consider these strategies to reconnect with yourself and others:

1. Identify your tribe.

Think of five people with whom who you feel most like yourself. Observe, appreciate, and nurture relationships with those five people instead of spending time with ten people that you feel obligated to see, experience dread when you make plans with them, and hide out when you are with them. Limit contact with people who leave you feeling drained, annoyed or numb. Relationships are a two-way street. If you feel worse after connecting with someone — it’s time to cross the street.

2. Seek depth not breadth.

As shown by the Harvard study, a short list of gratifying relationships is healthier than a long list of conflicted relationships with people you can’t count on. We all hold onto relationships that have become toxic or no longer meet our needs. It’s hard to let go of meaningful history with someone, or the hope that a dying relationship will renew itself. Even though the fear of hurting ourselves or someone else can be a tough obstacle to overcome, in the end, you will have more time, energy, and space to meet people that may become part of your tribe.

3. Create engagement.

There is much love to be had in the world with friends, colleagues, family, pets or even the barista at your local coffee shop. Show up and pay attention to what you are offered instead of focusing your attention on people who may never see you for who you truly are.

4. Help yourself by helping others.

Connect with the world by giving to others rather than focusing on not being loved. Serving others will give you a different perspective on your life as well as new ways to develop your innate talents.

5. Connect with people face to face.

Social media offers many opportunities for healthy connection, but can be misused as a substitute for human contact. Observe how much time and energy you spend on your online relationships. If you notice you’re spending most of your free time relating to faces on a screen, it’s time to unplug, look up, and see who’s in front of you.

The ability to spot what’s lacking in a contract or spreadsheet is a useful skill in the workplace, but focusing on what’s missing in our personal life can blind us from seeing the abundance of opportunity for emotional intimacy. Appreciating our tribe, and paying it forward to those in need, is the most powerful antidote for disconnection. Find the courage to let go of the relationships that drain you, and nurture the connections that are mutual. Anyone can be your significant other if you feel heard, seen, and happier for having spent time with them. And remember to take good care of you. A meaningful connection with yourself is the most significant relationship you will have in your lifetime.

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest

New Year’s Resolutions: Is it time to break up with alcohol? by @DrSandraH

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - alcohol addiction

by Dr. Sandra Hamilton | Featured Contributor

The clock has ticked past midnight into the dawn of 2016. Holiday parties are over, and the time to reflect on how we want to relate to the new year has arrived. January is a time to improve how we live our lives and leave behind what no longer serves us. For some of us, this includes evaluating our relationships and habits; in particular, our connection to alcohol, a relationship that becomes more prominent during the holiday season.

Alcohol is the friend that most people like to hang out with during good times and bad. It is the life of the party at celebrations, a source of comfort at funerals, and motivation to bring people together to “meet for drinks.” Our relationship with alcohol is dysfunctional when it is our significant other — instead of a friend we like to see once in awhile. Like any relationship, being aware of how we treat alcohol, and how alcohol treats us, is a significant part of caring for our physical and emotional health.

Humans are wired for alcohol abuse and addiction due to our biology, and emotional vulnerability to the pursuit of pleasure. Using alcohol stimulates our brain to release substances such as dopamine that are associated with the experience of well-being. When stressful times outweigh the pleasurable activities in our lives, we may be more likely to chase the sense of well-being that dopamine provides.

The irony is that increased use of alcohol disrupts dopamine levels, and may keep our brain from producing adequate amounts of dopamine on its own. This process can be the start of an abusive, dependent, and even addictive relationship. Our best defense against developing a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol is to be brutally honest about our ability to set boundaries with our drinking habits.

It’s time to break up with alcohol if you identify with the following:

  1. Are you drinking more frequently, or for longer periods of time?
  2. Do you have to increase your consumption of alcohol to get the desired effect?
  3. Do you worry about your alcohol use, or wonder if you should cut down your consumption?
  4. Do you find yourself thinking about having a drink, and how soon you can get one?
  5. Are you spending more of your leisure time in alcohol-related activities and settings?
  6. Are you socializing more with people who enjoy getting drunk, rather than those who drink occasionally, or not at all?
  7. Is your performance at work, school, or home beginning to slip because you are hungover?
  8. Are you lying to people (and yourself) about how much, and how often you use alcohol?
  9. Do you receive hints or concerns from others about your alcohol use, or find yourself arguing with them about your drinking?
  10. Are you isolating yourself to use alcohol?
  11. Do you use alcohol in situations that are unsafe for you and others?
  12. Are you continuing to use alcohol even though it’s affecting your health?
  13. Have you experienced symptoms such as insomnia, nausea, and headache when you take a break from drinking?

Like any dysfunctional relationship, we fool ourselves into thinking that alcohol can give us everything we need while it robs us of everything we have. It’s hard to get through any breakup, much less a break up with an addictive substance. Trying to do it on your own can set you up for a return to a destructive relationship that will only leave you feeling trapped and disempowered.

The new year offers an ideal opportunity to challenge ourselves and face the truth of who we were, and what we need to change. Whether your alcohol consumption is in the beginning stages of abuse or has advanced to addiction, there is no shame in relying on the support of family, friends, and qualified mental health professionals. In the end, alcohol addiction is an abusive relationship. It destroys your health, takes your money, keeps you from your loved ones, and ultimately robs you of your life. Make it a plan to be well in 2016.

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Dr. Sandra Hamilton - SheOwnsIt.comDr. Sandra Hamilton

While taking pre-med classes at the University of California, Santa Barbara, I became so distracted by psychology courses that I changed my major to pursue a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. My contributions to She Owns It are drawn from the professional perspective of a clinical psychologist, as well as the personal point of view of a single working mother and entrepreneur. I have maintained an independent psychology practice for over 20 years, taught as an adjunct assistant professor for over a decade, and somehow managed to survive raising two spirited daughters.

My expertise is grounded in years of working with individuals, couples, and families who have worked their way through catastrophic experiences as well as the inevitable demands of adult life. I admire their tenacity each time they schedule another session in the face of painful insights and difficult feelings.

Therapy is not a haircut. It’s not a quick fix, and you don’t always feel better when you leave.

Let’s connect: Website | Facebook | Twitter | LinkedIn | Pinterest