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Four Signs You’re heading for the Divorce Courts by @DivorceAlchemy

4 signs you're heading for divorce Emma Heptonstall www.sheownsit.com

4 signs you're heading for divorce Emma Heptonstall www.sheownsit.com

by Emma Heptonstall | Featured Contributor 

Studies reported by Business Insider UK have reported four reasons why women are more likely to cheat in their relationships. These four signs could mean that you’re headed for the Divorce Courts.

Sexual Infrequency

Research shows that people in happy relationships have sex on average 10 times a month, whilst those who are cheating have sex on average  five times per month. Now which comes first? Is it the cheating that leads to the infrequency or the infrequency that leads to the cheating? We know that men and women need sex for different reasons and of course, they do overlap. But have you and your partner ever negotiated your intimacy?

No?

Well perhaps you should. You see its easy to fall into a routine and assume that it’s ok for the other person; that you’d know if they weren’t ‘happy’. But how true is that really?

Lack of Communication

The length of time that people spend talking to their spouses each day is also significant. Do you talk to your spouse more than five minutes per day? Because if you don’t, according to this research, you’re at risk of cheating. Non-cheaters speed at least 30-60 minutes talking with their spouse and spending time  sharing and  listening daily. Communication is an important part of intimacy, and if communication is lacking, it’s likely that you also fall into the sexual infrequency camp too.

Levels of happiness

A mere 34% of cheating women were happy in their relationship. This suggests that the more unhappy a woman is, the more likely she is to cheat. You might think that’s obvious, but cheating is a complex beast. Being ‘happy’ in a relationship means different things to different people. The overall satisfaction level in your relationship may mean you are ‘happy’ in that you don’t want to leave it, but you cheat because there’s an unmet need. However, for the majority of women, unhappiness is a catalyst to cheating.

Success in the workplace

Working women are 40% more likely to cheat than they were 20 years ago. Perhaps a shocking statistic? But should we really be surprised?

As women become more visible in senior roles within corporate companies, its arguable that the opportunity to cheat has increased. Delayed parenthood, roles involving late nights, dinners, foreign travel all put temptation in a girl’s way. Furthermore the more successful you are, the more you and the more likely you are to cheat. It seems that women in the workplace today expect more. High achieving woman have high expectations.

Divorce and separation and not necessarily a bad thing. As your career grows and your aspirations grow, so does your desire to find a partner who matches those wants and needs. The working woman of 20 years ago was grateful if she had a job where she was happy and she was paid a good wage; where she could balance motherhood with her job, but those days are gone. Women now have careers, not jobs. They may have their own business and they maybe the main bread-winner.

Is Divorce inevitable?

But that doesn’t mean that if you are a successful woman that you can’t be in a happy relationship. It’s about making those small things matter. Talking to talking to your partner is crucial to connection, and leads to intimacy. That’s intimacy as agreed between the two of you. Not intimacy borne out of guess-work. How often are you connecting sexually?

Some people think that sex is not important in a relationship and that’s fine if both of you have agreed to this and genuinely mean what you say. The intimacy in a relationship can  undoubtedly be met in non-sexual ways. But without any kind of intimacy at all it is likely that one of you if not both of you will stray.

Are you both happy? Happy with yourselves, your careers and each other? Take time to check in with yourselves and each other. Focus on gratitude for the things you have and plan how together you can fulfil your dreams.

If you are ‘successful’ spouse in the relationship, how is that for your husband? We know that men can sometimes feel threatened by a successful woman. This is because men need to be the hunter gatherer and provider and it’s hard wired into them.  If you are the hunt gatherer and provider in your family, how does you husband really feel about this? Is it something that has been forced upon you by necessity, or something that the two of you have negotiated and are happy with. Ask yourself “did we make that decision by choice or was it out of necessity”? If the decision was forced upon you, consider spending some time with your husband and getting to know how he really feels about you being the main breadwinner. Communication will bring you closer together.

Remember, surveys are just surveys. They are not a reflection of your life. But, being mindful of these trigger points will help you keep a check on yourself and your relationship and hopefully keep you out of the Divorce Courts.

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Emma HeptonstallEmma Heptonstall, The Divorce Alchemist – Women’s Divorce Coach, UK

Hi! I’m Emma Heptonstall, The Divorce Alchemist.

I’m a recovering lawyer having served as a legal adviser for thirteen years. I’m also a family mediator,  a job which love and I’m very proud of. I’m a certified MBit Coach, have a diploma in counselling skills and I’m an NLP Master Practitioner.

I developed Divorce Alchemy to provide divorce coaching for women who know that they need support to deal with the practical and emotional aspects of their divorce in order that they make good decisions, which will support their lives as a confident divorced woman.

My story is different.

I don’t tell my clients that I know what they are going through. I don’t. I’m not divorced. In fact, for what its worth, I’m not even married… yet!

You are unique. You divorce is unique. I get that. I help women because I’m not divorced. I’m not their sister, best friend or mother. I’m not emotionally involved in their divorce and I’m not on my own healing journey.

I’m delighted to be able to write for sheownsit.com . I love blogging and sharing my stuff. You can read more go my blogs at www.yourfamilyfirst.co.uk/our-blog/ and you can download your free copy of The Smart Woman’s Divorce Guide at www.emmaheptonstall.com

I live  in York. That’s old York, York UK and I coach women 1:1, either face to face or via Skype.

You can connect with me on Facebook      Twitter    LinkedIn    G+

3 Replies to “Four Signs You’re heading for the Divorce Courts by @DivorceAlchemy”

  1. Zara Brown

    Thanks for discussing about divorced. Definitely Its great information and advice to keep in mind when going through this experience. Divorce is something that is becoming more prevalent in Western society So I think it’s useful for many those who are looking for such info, Thanks for sharing.

  2. Lily de Grey

    Hey, Emma! I appreciate you sharing this article with us! My divorce attorney recently finalized my divorce, and, if I would have read this article prior to the relationship falling apart, I would have saved myself a lot of pain. I think you’re brought up a valuable point: If you’re not communicating with your spouse, then your marriage—statistically—may fall apart. I’ll be sharing this with some of my friends!

    1. Emma

      Hey Lily

      I’m so glad that my thoughts resonated with you. Communication is all relationships is crucial isn’t it?
      Even when it feels difficult or pointless, it can save you much heartache and money. It’s better for your children too!
      So kind of you to share and all good wishes for your future,

      Emma

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