Karen Doniere, Author at She Owns It

Four Things to Remember When You Feel Like Quitting on Your Dreams by @karen_doniere

January 28, 2016 by Karen Doniere 5 Comments

by Karen Doniere | Featured Contributor

Whether you’re a career woman, stay-at-home mom, freelancer, or an entrepreneur, trying to achieve the next level of success or a new dream can be challenging. It may be frustrating and time-consuming, and even affect your overall attitude. Instead of holding on to your frustration, think about your initial reasons for wanting to achieve your dream. What was your motivation? Hang on to that feeling because it’s one thing that will help pull you through the frustration, and help you avoid quitting on your dreams.

Surprisingly, there are so many reasons why you may want to quit pursuing your dreams. Maybe it’s too expensive, mentally draining, doesn’t fulfill you any longer, or it’s taking too long.

Instead of quitting, consider taking a mini-break to clear your thoughts and get a fresh new perspective. Take a weekend or day trip to enjoy different scenery. Or if possible, enjoy a few days of solitude and peace at home without electronic distractions. Even if you can only spare a few hours, plan an evening out with friends or alone to take comfort in a mental time out.

Here are four things to remember when you feel like quitting on your dreams.

1). Be patient with yourself.

New ideas and projects take time, and a lot of trial and error before coming to fruition. Thus, you have to be patient with the situation even if it’s unpleasant. In other words, trust your talent, dedication, and process. You also deserve extra patience because you’re likely doing your best to initiate change, and make things happen. Also, remember that sometimes plans can take longer than we originally expected. So again, be patient with yourself.

2). Avoid becoming discouraged.

I know it‘s easier said than done, but try not to feel overly discouraged about the slow progress of your dream. It’s okay to have a moment where you acknowledge your feelings and think things through. It’s even okay to get angry, or cry about it. But it’s not okay to degrade yourself, or anyone else because things aren’t going well. If you decide to have a moment, aka pity party, it’s fine. That moment should have healthy boundaries to help you to feel much lighter and better than when you started it.

Try this: set a timer for 15 minutes. Next, write down or say aloud everything you feel is wrong with the situation. Then, do something physical such as rip the paper up, punch the air, or go for a walk to get rid of those negative thoughts. Finally, do something positive to officially purge, and return to positivity. Do something like send a thoughtful text or an email to someone you haven’t heard from in a while, enjoy a fresh cup of tea or coffee, turn the music on and dance, draw a picture, or sing your favorite song. You should be smiling again soon!

3). Comparison is a thief.

When our plans don’t materialize, it’s easy to compare ourselves to someone else who seems to be doing well, or even slightly better than we are. If you’re not feeling inspired after thinking about someone successful, you’re allowing comparison to steal your joy and undermine your talents. Of course it’s fine to appreciate another woman’s journey, but you have to use it as genuine motivation. Comparison is very deceitful. Please be careful!

If you’re tempted to compare apples to oranges try this: look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say, ‘you’re not playing fair because you don’t know her journey. You’re very smart and talented. And, your time is coming.’ I do it all the time, and it works beautifully!

4). You did your best.

One of the most important things we should remember when we feel like quitting is that we did our best. And, who knows? You may want to try again in a few years. There’s nothing wrong with putting a dream such as a new business venture or completing a degree on hold until another time. Hopefully, by then you will have processed what contributed to things not working out, and what to do differently. Despite what happens, you owe it to yourself to remember that you’re successful and courageous because you tried, and did your best.

If you’re currently frustrated or anxious about something not coming to fruition, understand that you were talented and successful before you began, and you will still be talented and successful whether it materializes or not.

How do you manage your feelings when you feel like quitting?

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Karen Doniere is an author, blogger, and speaker with a passion to inspire women, moms, and mompreneurs to take better care of themselves. She is the chief curator of the KD Collection, where she shares her heart in every article. Karen is the author of the new Baby Bear children’s book series, and the creator of The Forgiveness Project: a positive and healing conversation where women feel safe to share their journeys. Through her mentorship program, she helps women turn their ideas into achievements, one plan at a time. Karen’s inspirational articles have been featured on websites such as She Owns It and She is Fierce.

Karen enjoys volunteering at her local domestic violence shelter, where she assists clients with polishing their resume and job interview skills. Her favorite titles are wife, and mom to three amazing young adults.

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Karen Doniere

3 Ways to Rev Up Your Self-care Game in 2016 by @karen_doniere

December 23, 2015 by Karen Doniere 2 Comments

by Karen Doniere | Featured Contributor

With the New Year comes the expected, beloved, and somewhat dreaded New Year’s resolutions. While there’s nothing wrong with making resolutions, it’s time to be more intentional with your goals. Instead of making several resolutions that may or may not drift by the wayside by January 31^st, you should focus on creating a few achievable goals, or even a plan. I’m referring to a self-care routine. I’m an advocate for maintaining my mental and emotional health by often engaging in renewing self-care activities. I’d also appreciate it if you’d join me in the struggle. But first, let me explain why following a self-care regimen has been a struggle for me.

Like many ambitious and hardworking women, I’ve often put myself last on the to-do list. When there’s so much to do, it’s hard to figure out how to schedule that manicure, or to find time to enjoy a favorite TV show. A few years ago, I barely did anything nice for myself or hung out with friends. Sadly, I rationalized that I couldn’t do any real self-care due to time constraints, parenting two small children, managing household chores, and dwindling financial resources. As a result, I became easily annoyed and more cynical. Let’s face it, I missed a lot of quality time alone, and with good friends. I want to help you avoid the same mistakes so you can feel your best, and achieve more of your goals from this moment on!

Here are 3 ways to rev up your self-care game in 2016.

1). Decide what your new self-care goals will consist of.
Do you want to go to bed earlier to get eight hours of sleep every night? If so, what do you need to do to make that happen? Perhaps you need to allow enough time to wind down with warm tea or soft music. Or, maybe you need to allow enough time to read, enjoy a glimpse of social media, and prepare for the next day so you can be in bed earlier. For example, throughout November, I’ve challenged myself to be in bed between 10:00 – 10:30 pm so that I can rise at 5:00 am, and be ready to conquer my day. It means that I have to do the prep work such as fix my lunch and mid-morning snack, get work clothes and accessories ready, and fill my tote bag with projects before I can even get into bed. Then, depending on what time it is, I’ll have a few minutes to read or check social media.

If you’d like to exercise more, start a girl friends potluck, or a book club to connect with like-minded women; it’s as simple as saying it, writing it down, and breaking the necessary tasks into smaller, doable steps. And, one of the most important tasks is to schedule your first fun activity. Download my latest eBook, 3 Steps to Creating the Perfect Self-care Plan, to help you gather your thoughts, and create a fabulous self-care routine. Click the image!

2). Create a plan.
Realizing that self-care looks different for every woman, and no one has the right to dictate what your self-care routine looks like is an important aspect of taking your self-care serious. It’s really about being present and renewing your spirit by engaging in something fun, relaxing, or beneficial. And, getting eight hours of sleep or more is very beneficial for your mental and physical health. What’s fun and relaxing to one person, may be repulsive and boring to someone else. You may like doing free activities, whereas I may enjoy doing a plethora of free and paid activities to renew my spirit. Thus, decide what you want to do for your personal self-care time, and find out as much about it as possible. Do you want to exercise, journal, take a craft or dance class, or learn something new? Check your local Internet listings for a community calendar with low cost or free activities.

As a creative, I find it hard to narrow my focus to only one thing because I love trying new things. I want to take cooking, painting, and knitting classes, and rekindle my interest in sewing and modern dance.

3). Make it happen.
Now it’s time to actually put your special activities on the calendar and make your family and friends aware of them. How often will you do them? Weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly? I think placing them on the calendar makes the activity official, and informing everyone helps them to understand how important your self-care time is to you. It’s also important not to let anything except a brief illness, or a true emergency stop you from doing your activities. Initially, your family or friends may feel slighted if you’re going out to do something fun or relaxing without them. But, the more you stick to your plan, the more receptive and supportive they’ll become.

If you’d like to take a sewing or exercise class that meets twice a week, simply remind everyone a day or two before the class, ask for additional support with household chores or errands, and literally run out the door to renew and recharge your spirit. Another alternative is to invite a family member or friend to join you for one of the sessions.

Although many of us lead very busy lives, we can make the time to take care of our mental health by engaging in relaxing, enjoyable activities. We can focus on revving up our self-care game in 2016 by renewing and recharging our spirit in order to feel our best, and slay our goals. What renewing self-care activities do you plan to enjoy in 2016?

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Karen Doniere

3 Unbelievable Reasons Why You Are Not Your Past by @karen_doniere

October 22, 2015 by Karen Doniere 2 Comments

by Karen Doniere | Featured Contributor

A few weeks ago, I was speaking to a friend and she stated that she felt ashamed of things she had done in her past. I listened for a while because I sensed that she needed to talk. When she slowed down long enough for me to reply, I let her have it. I replied: “it doesn’t matter what you did as a teenager, young woman, a few years ago, or even last week, for one reason and one reason only. You’re not the same person you were then, you’ve hopefully learned from your mistakes, and you deserve to let it all go.

Obviously, if you’ve hurt someone in any capacity, whether physically, emotionally, or financially, you should put forth effort to sincerely apologize and try to make amends. But, however you decide to handle it, don’t try to rationalize or justify your actions because it will make the situation worse. Despite whether your sincere apology is accepted or not, you have to accept that you mistakenly or intentionally hurt someone. And, realize that you are not your past.

Here are 3 unbelievable reasons why you are not your past.

1). Your past is just that – in the past.

I have an announcement to make: the past and what happened in the past is gone. And, there isn’t anything we can do to get a special redo. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary has several relevant definitions for the word past: gone or elapsed, and having existed or taken place in a period before the present and after. Of course, there are several things in my past that I wish I could do better or differently, but it’s not possible. So what do we do now? We can choose not to worry about what’s already happened in order to be fully present and enjoy the now. That means that you’re gonna think about something not so flattering from your past and feel some type of way about it. But, you can also control those not so flattering thoughts because you don’t have the time or energy to waste on entertaining them anymore.

2). Your past doesn’t define who are today.

Life is a journey. Everyone on the journey doesn’t have to take the same path and that’s okay. Maybe you’ve made a few minor or even a few major mistakes in your life that you’re truly ashamed of. Maybe you’ve even learned from them, worked hard not to repeat them, and moved on. Or, maybe you’re the kind of person who learns the hard way, but eventually learned the right way to do things. Either way, your past does not define who you are today. Your past probably shaped your attitudes, feelings, and possibly certain behaviors and habits. If you’re carrying expired and undue shame or regret because of something that happened many moons ago or several months ago, you have to realize that you’re not the same person and you’re so much more than a list of mistakes. Take the time to appreciate who you are today.

3). Our mistakes make us human.

Making mistakes on life’s journey is what makes us human. It also provides newfound wisdom. For example, remember when you first learned how to ride a bike but you couldn’t balance it right? Did you fall at least once? Did you get hurt, and did you learn from it? If you made the mistake of falling a couple of times while learning to ride a bike, it simply means that you have an experience to share that someone else may not have, and you were self-taught. It’s that simple. Our mistakes teach us what we need to know, and make us human and unique. Although we may have to cope with the results of those mistakes, if we’ve learned something valuable from them, they can make us beautiful and wise.

In the big scheme of things, does it really matter if you learned the hard way about how to be a great neighbor, or you learned from someone else’s experiences? It doesn’t matter and you deserve to stop living in the past. Here’s a little trick I learned a few years ago by trial and error: when any negative feelings from the past resurface about a mistake you’ve made, allow yourself 10 – 15 minutes to acknowledge it. Set a timer if you have to. Then, say goodbye and continue on with your day. It may sound weird at first, but this acknowledgment trick works well for me.

In his article, How To Break Free of The Past published in Psychology Today, Dr. Alex Lickerman states that “we can’t change our past but we can change our attitude about it.” Dr. Lickerman also says this: “We can do this by finding a way to create value out of events we judged as harmful. If we can genuinely utilize past events as springboards for growth, reinterpreting them into positive events that may have been traumatic but which were actually required for our development, we can free ourselves from the pain associated with our memories of them.”

In other words, learn to look at your mistakes and experiences as stepping stones and necessary opportunities for growth.

What are you gonna do with the wisdom you’ve gained from the missteps you’ve made on your journey? Share it and share it some more! Your journey is yours to appreciate, reflect on and share. Instead of feeling sad or defeated when you think about your past, you should feel accomplished and successful because you’ve made it so far. And, by sharing those special nuggets of wisdom with someone else, you can spare them the negative feelings you’ve experienced. Remember, that the past is just that: experiences that makes us unique and beautiful. How do you handle negative thoughts from your past? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

To learn more about The Forgiveness Project, and for more inspirational and action oriented articles similar to this one, please visit me at The KD Collection at www.karendoniere.com.

References Used:
Lickerman, A. (2013). How To Break Free Of The Past. Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201310/how-break-free-the-past

past. 2015. In Merriam-Webster.com.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/past

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Karen Doniere

How to Resolve Workplace Conflict Like a Boss by @karen_doniere

August 27, 2015 by Karen Doniere 5 Comments

by Karen Doniere | Featured Contributor

Let’s face it: as much as we try to be a team player and work toward our team’s success, conflicts will arise. Those conflicts may be the result of personality clashes, differences of opinion, and more. What can you and I do to make certain that we maintain a high level of professionalism while making sure that we’re respected? Here are four steps to take to help you quickly resolve workplace conflict like a boss.

1). Define the Problem
Ask yourself these questions: what is the actual problem? Are there cultural or generational differences involved? Or, is it simply an issue of miscommunication or general dislike? Be honest with yourself in order to determine if you have directly or indirectly contributed to the problem. Then, be mature enough to accept responsibility for your contribution if any, and apologize. Apologies can be given via email, but I think they’re more personal when given in person or via telephone.

What if the other person involved in the conflict refuses to acknowledge any actions that led up to the disagreement? It doesn’t matter what they say or do from this point forward, because your intention is to take the high and gracious road to restore a measure of peace to your work environment, also known as your home away from home.

What if the issue is that they just don’t like you, and the feeling is mutual? Despite how they may feel about you or vice versa, you both are at work to perform a job that you were hired to do. And, although you’re not required to be best friends with your colleagues, you should want to give them the same respect you demand. Additionally, you want to maintain a stellar workplace reputation as a leader and team player so you’ll be in a better position to manage more exciting projects, and possibly secure a raise in the future.

2). Brainstorm Reasonable Solutions
Now that you’ve identified the problem and its initial cause, start brainstorming to think of reasonable solutions. What needs to happen? And, who do you need to converse with to make it happen? According to the American Time Use survey conducted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, “employed persons worked an average of 7.8 hours on the days they worked.” And, a similar 2013 survey by the Bureau of Labor Statistics revealed that “U.S. workers ages 25 to 54, who lived with children under 18 spent 8.7 hours working each day.” Therefore, we spend more of our awake hours at work with our colleagues, than with our family and friends. This is why it’s important to quickly resolve any new or lingering issues so everyone can move on, and return to their work projects.

3). Compromise and Resolve
After you’ve thought about practical solutions to the conflict, reach out to your immediate supervisor to make him or her aware of what you’d like to happen, your role in that scenario, and schedule a meeting with everyone involved. Additionally, set one or two goals for the meeting during your preparation to ensure that you stay focused. Think about your intention, and the outcome that will make you happy.

Please understand that I’m not saying to go into this meeting with the goal of being disrespected, slandered, or spoken to in a condescending tone. But, I am saying to be very specific about the desired outcome, and what your next actions will be. If you approach the meeting as an opportunity to listen, be heard, and compromise, it will be a win-win situation for everyone.

Ask yourself what am I willing to compromise on? Maybe you could switch team meetings to mid-week instead of having them on Friday mornings. Or, maybe you could implement a monthly potluck lunch to promote a team spirit and get to know your colleagues better. Be willing to give in order to get back to your projects and your peace of mind.

4). Agree to Disagree
Dr. Beverly Flaxington stated in a Psychology Today article entitled “The Cost of Conflict in the Workplace,” that “we waste a lot of time ruminating over people who aren’t really doing anything to us; we just don’t like them. Don’t expend energy unless it matters.” Sometimes, no matter how much thought, preparation, and compromise occurs, the conflict may not get resolved in one session, or at all, and tensions may further escalate. In this situation I like to listen, speak my truth, agree to disagree, and keep it moving. I refuse to waste valuable time, energy, and mental space trying to appease others. But, I’m willing to yield and make concessions when possible. I’m also willing to treat anyone I’ve had a disagreement with cordially and respectfully, because it will ultimately make my work-life more pleasant.

The Silver Lining
Although workplace conflict isn’t nice for most, it becomes even more awkward when it’s left unresolved. I think brainstorming, effective communication, and a willingness to compromise are the most important keys to finding a reasonable resolution. Because we spend most of our awake hours at work, the culture should be one that promotes individuality, while encouraging a collaborative spirit that allows everyone to feel comfortable sharing their opinions and talents. Let’s pledge to do our part to contribute to that amazing atmosphere by quickly resolving conflict so that we can enjoy our work life even more.

References Used:
Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2015). American time use survey summary.
Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2013). American time use survey.
Flaxington, B. (2012). The cost of conflict in the workplace. Psychology Today.

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Karen Doniere

4 Reasons Why You Should Stop With the Comparisons by @karen_doniere

July 24, 2015 by Karen Doniere Leave a Comment

by Karen Doniere | Featured Contributor

I have a confession to make and I’m not proud of it. In the past, I’ve been guilty of comparing my life, and my circumstances to someone else’s. Usually, only one of two things happen when we compare ourselves to others: either we’re inspired or we become envious. Wait a minute, what is envy? In an article published by Psychology Today, Dr. Mary Lamia states that our “envy is directed at others, wanting their qualities, success, or possessions.” Envy involves comparisons, contrasts, and differences. It’s the contrasts and differences that lead to feeling ashamed and unworthy because you have mentally classified yourself as lacking a quality or trait that someone else has.

It’s not hard to become envious when you see another woman who seems to have it all together, has exceeded everyone’s expectations, and achieved a measure of success much faster than you. I think it’s normal to make comparisons at some point. Although it may be normal, is it a healthy practice? How do you feel afterwards? Frustrated, envious, or maybe even hopeless? Is that envy inspiring you to work harder and smarter, or is it making you sick?

Can I ask you something? Why do we even bother to compare ourselves to others when we know exactly what the end result is? We’ll be left feeling short, with an unfair, envious attitude toward someone who doesn’t deserve it. And, we’re wasting valuable time and energy reveling in someone else’s successes, when we should be focused on taking better care of ourselves. Here are four reasons why you should stop comparing yourself to other women.

1). It’s Unhealthy
Anytime there’s internal conflict coupled with stressful feelings, or something happens that causes you to question your self-worth, something is wrong. There’s also an extra strain on your mind, body and energy. Instead of allowing those envious feelings to overwhelm you, try this instead:

acknowledge your feelings
make a list of things you do really well, including your successes
celebrate your talents and accomplishments

2). The Results are Sketchy
Ask yourself this question: what am I gaining by making this comparison when I’m left feeling depleted, exhausted, and frustrated? Rather than comparing your results to another woman’s, it may be equally satisfying to research her background to learn more about her journey. Then, decide what you would like to implement in your life. Comparing yourself to another is not worth the remaining self-defeating thoughts of inadequacy. Just stop it.

3). It’s Unfair
Comparing yourself to anyone other than you is unfair. You don’t know the challenges behind their success, their inner struggles, setbacks, and the time it took for them to reach their goals. Therefore, it’s unfair for you to so easily compare yourself to that person, and then immediately discredit your journey as a result. It’s also unfair to have an envious attitude toward someone over something as trivial as their achievements.

4) Comparison Is a Thief
Comparing yourself to someone successful isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if you’re really searching for inspiration. But, comparison is a thief because it steals your confidence and your joy. In other words, it steals your greatness and replaces it with negative thoughts. Therefore, whenever you catch yourself comparing your journey to someone else’s, be careful. Just stop it. You have to realize that you’re only responsible for you, and needlessly worrying about another person’s experiences is a big time waster. Instead, learn to celebrate your successes: both great and small.

It’s Time to Take Action:
How will you manage your comparisons and envious thoughts from this moment on? Here are two suggestions that will help you win every time.

Find a Mentor
Use the time that you would normally spend worrying about someone else’s life and accomplishments to find a mentor. Be clear and selective about what you’re looking for, and about whom you choose to mentor you. Selecting a mentor can boost your confidence and provide the additional support you may need to help you achieve your goals.

Ask questions such as these to help you with your decision:

have you mentored anyone before
how do you prefer to communicate: via email, phone, or chat
how often would you like to check-in

Celebrate Your Achievements
To help you reject unfair comparisons and envious thoughts, start a gratitude jar. First, get multi-color construction paper, index cards or sticky notes. Then, write down everything you appreciate about yourself, including your achievements. Next, fold the paper in half and place it in the jar. Whenever you’re feeling envious, unaccomplished, or hopeless, read a note from your gratitude jar as a reminder of how great you are and how far you’ve ventured on your own journey. And, don’t forget to regularly replenish the jar.

References Used:
Lamia, M. (2013). Jealousy and envy: the emotions of comparison and contrast. Psychology Today.

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Karen Doniere is the author of the NEW Baby Bear Children’s Book series and Motivational Speaker, inspiring mommypreneurs to take better care of themselves. She’s also the creator of the Forgiveness Project. Karen is a wife and mom to three young adults. She enjoys reading, loves green tea, and lives for dancing and peanut butter.

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Karen Doniere