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Why are We Becoming A Culture of Loneliness? by @timewithtammy

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Why are We Becoming A Culture of Loneliness?

by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

Loneliness is crippling to many throughout our country and the world. Studies indicate that loneliness is deadlier than obesity, disturbing sleep, causing depression, and weakening the immune system. Neuroscience has identified that loneliness in recognizable in the brain and leaves lasting negative effects in the body. People who led lonely lives are more prone to illness, show earlier signs of cognitive decline, have higher rates of drug and alcohol use, higher rates of suicide and even prone to earlier death rates by 26%. It is considered not only a health issue but a disease. Loneliness affects people of all ages from adolescence through the elder years. Human beings have a fundamental need for relationships and to be with groups, in fact, we have an insatiable hunger to be with others. We are literally wired to connect with one another.

The issue of why we have become a culture of loneliness is complex. It stems from us having become a more transient society. We move away from our families of origins, we are continually relocating for higher education, for jobs, and job relocation – and we are divorcing from partners at higher rates than ever before…and living longer producing years of existing without being partnered. While these are all definitely contributors to loneliness, the biggest culprit is thought to be social media.

Social media is an interesting factor regarding loneliness, while it gives people something to do and does provide “informational” connections with others; it is actually a key ingredient in loneliness as it isolates. People in general will and do become absorbed and occupied with avenues of social media – and they feel they have had contact with others, but it does not, in fact, supply true social connection. Also, while people are engaged with others, there is often a horrific distraction to stay connected to social media. So, how we actually spend the time we do share with one another has changed drastically. Because social media occupies an exorbitant amount of people’s time, it eventually shuts them off from genuine personal relationships.

Studies show that loneliness began to soar two years following the launch of the commercial personal computer, and again followed by the invention of the world wide web. Rapidly people have replaced good ole face to face contact with Facebook relationships, online dating, online (and off-line) gaming, texting, twitter, Instagram, Netflix, endless apps; scrolling screen after screen in efforts to be entertained and to know what is going on in other people’s lives. We make fewer actual phone calls, we have fewer outings and social gatherings, less family time and less time just hanging out with humans. Playing cards, board games, projects, and heart to heart conversations are becoming things of the past. A report by CNN Health found that the average American spends between 10-11 hours of screen time daily. That is time that was once spent chatting by the water cooler, sitting on a bench talking, going to lunch, going to libraries, Sunday lunches with friends and family, bowling, card games, and many other socially engaging activities.

But why are we avoidant in dealing with this issue? People are actually afraid of loneliness, embarrassed feeling that it is their fault which further complicates the issue.  Loneliness creates insecurity, depression, and anxiety. The fear and anxiety drive people deeper into screen-time which only further isolates as it is an attempt to substitute real relationships for virtual relationships. People have a lot of social media “friends, followers and connections” but because they are superficial, they leave people feeling even more dissatisfied.

The internet, social media, and other forms of screen time are not all bad; in fact, they have probably moved our society forward in advancement more than anything else in the history of the world. It gives us entertainment, information, opportunities and broader options at our fingertips. But what it cannot give us is eye to eye contact, the touch of a hand, a tender moment, belly laughter or a hug. Those things come from true friends and personal connections. We all need to remember these computers are tools not relationships. They are a means to an end but they are not the emotional vehicle that we are trying to get them to be. That comes from sitting at a ballgame rooting for the home team, crying on the shoulder of a friend, helping one another parent our children. Community – that is the cure for loneliness. We need one another to experience life and to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. The thing people report feeling the loneliest about is “having someone to do nothing with”.

So, enjoy your screen time, take advantage of the many opportunities it provides – but moderation in everything is essential. Make time to visit the elderly, volunteer, teach your children to bake and how to play Scrabble, go to ballgames, plays and music venues. Call a friend for no reason at all. Create rituals of sharing time with others…And as you do these things – try not to have that cellphone (minicomputer) to be any part of the experience.

The Way to Start your Day by @timewithtammy

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The Way to Start your Day

by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

Most people will tell you they don’t like mornings. Humans report feeling tired, hurried, anxious and negative, the very moment they roll out of bed. That negative energy that you emit first thing stays with you and impacts those around you. It’s okay that it takes a little time to get going, but like it or not – we all have to do mornings. Albeit, it takes some a bit longer to wake than others, but research has found that mental attitude is the real culprit of mornings. So, instead of focusing on the aggravation you feel simply from having to start your day; here are a few tips to make that start more pleasant.

  1. Rise thirty minutes before you need to get going

– Give yourself extra time in the morning so you are not anxious and feeling rushed

– Feeling hurried is the #1 reason people are irritable and don’t enjoy mornings

  1. Drink a full glass of water

– Your body has been dehydrating thru the night and needs replenishing

  1. Listen to Music

– Instead of putting on the television, or checking those emails let your body feel the music

– Music reduces stress and anxiety

– Music creates a positive sensation inside the body

  1. Move your body just a little bit

– Dance, stretch, take a walk or just jump up and down

– 10 minutes of body movement increases energy, gets your lymph nodes working, and improves mental clarity

  1. Meditate

– Take a few moments for silence, relaxed breathing, prayer, or gentle contemplation

  1. Start your day with Gratitude

– Write down 3 things for which you are grateful (or at least say them to yourself)

– Having gratitude releases positive chemicals in the brain and body

  1. Smile: at yourself and the world

– The simple act of smiling releases feel-good chemicals

– It improves mood, reduces stress, and even boosts productivity

Mornings have a different feel than the rest of the day. They are calmer, more quiet and gentle. It is an opportunity to start with good energy that can help carry you through as the day speeds up and the demands increase. Give yourself the gift of starting your day with a positive mental attitude and a little self-care. (And…there’s always coffee)

Approaching Suicide with a Compassionate Heart by @timewithtammy

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Approaching Suicide with a Compassionate Heart

by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

When a star or an athlete takes their life, it becomes public knowledge – we pay attention. But overall there is little support for victims and families around the issues of suicide. According to the CDC, there are on average around 45,000 reported suicides in the United States annually (13 per 100,000 people). And because of the stigmatization, that number is not considered to be accurate as it is underreported. It is unfortunate for the victim as well as the families that there is shame around severe depression and depression that leads to the loss of life. So I suppose a good place to start is to ask the question, “Why is there shame associated with something so traumatic and painful”?

Let’s start with a sensitive matter − what people believe biblically or spiritually about suicide. Some consider it murder; self-murder and that goes against God’s will…and many believe it’s a sin. How sad. Because it is so easy to judge, it is difficult to put ourselves directly in the aching heart of someone who has taken their life. But if we are honest, and if we can sit in silence and deeply think about the amount of suffering actually necessary for a person to take their own life, it would shake us to our core. The number one fear of human beings is DEATH! Even complete nonbelievers will begin to pray and beg for their lives to be spared the moment their life is threatened – Why, because no person in a functioning mind wants to give up life. Spirituality is about compassion, love, and kindness. Yet, judgment occurs when a person’s suffering has driven them, in the worst possible way, to end this life. And many connect that opinion to the opinion of “an all-loving deity”, a God. It is considered a moral failure.

A second issue is people consider it to be selfish. Suicide for some is a brutally painful selfless act. Many times the victim is experiencing so much pain and believes they are causing tremendous pain to those they love; death feels like a reasonable act of freedom. A severely depressed mind does not have the same rational functioning skills of a non-depressed, mildly or even moderately depressed mind. The biochemicals in the brain and body are not working the way they should and many times medications will only make it worse. Understanding the complexities of the brain and our hormones with thousands of biochemical’s surging through our veins can make it insoluble to pinpoint and repair when things go awry. A person who takes his o her life has more going on in their brain and body than we can imagine. They aren’t being selfish; they are trying to figure out how to solve a seemingly unsolvable problem.

We consider it to be a weakness; many actually believe the person can think through other options. A person that takes their life is locked inside their mind, a mind that is depressed, aching with no seeable way out. A person is not operating with what we would consider “normal functioning” skills. Humans have thoughts and judgments from their clear rational minds and assume a person who has taken their life is thinking with the same type of rational mind. What I can assure you of is that they are not. Suicide is not about weakness. The person who commits suicide does not really want to die; they just want to stop the pain of living.

We blame families, upbringing, or a person’s home-life as if there is a stereotype with death by suicide. Suicide crosses all religions, socioeconomic classes, cultures, and race. Albeit, there are studies that can isolate demographic factors in correlation to suicide, but the predominant factor is mental health and stress-related issues. Untreated depression is the number one cause of death by suicide and depression crosses all families, groups, and classes. Suicide is taboo; therefore we look for what is socially unacceptable about those who take their life.

And worst of all, we have stigmatizations about people who suffer from mental illness, as if it’s a choice. We pride ourselves in being a strong, determined culture. We don’t have a lot of compassion for things we ourselves don’t suffer with or don’t understand. We expect people to “pull themselves up by the bootstraps” and to keep going. I too believe people should work toward independence, self-care and contributing to society. However, there are things in this life which are beyond human control. Mental illness is an illness, at times a completely debilitating illness. We don’t have a lot of answers to healing that problem. There is often failure with insurance companies, government funding and resources, and community options and support in making help affordable and accessible. Treating normal, regular, daily depression and anxiety can be difficult. Treating severe depression and mental illness is costly and overwhelming. Trust me I have treated both.

I wish I could say I had never lost a client to suicide, but I can’t. I wish I could say I had never had clients who attempted suicide – but I can’t. What I can say is I have sat face to face with those who had no hope and saw no other way out. It is heartbreaking and humbling. There is pain; deep deep emotional pain that thank goodness most human beings will never experience in their lifetime. It’s a heavy, hollow emptiness that lingers. It is an inability to reach out and touch or feel hope. It is the inability to feel pleasure, joy, connection, or even possibility. And trust me…by the time a person has taken their life they have lived in a tormented painful shell of a person for a very long time.

Pause and think for a moment, “What emotional hell must be required to make someone end their life”? You cannot fathom that level of emotional misery. So the next time you hear or know of death by suicide, go out of your way to reach out in kindness. Don’t be afraid to have a tender conversation. If you read or hear it on the news, have a compassionate discussion with a friend or coworker on the subject matter. Make it a point to vote for politicians and leaders who have awareness, empathy, and intention about the subject. If nothing else, offer up a prayer or thought of hope and peace for those affected. I suggest we begin by giving the compassion that is deserved around something so devastating.

Life Can Change in an Instant by @timewithtammy

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Greensboro Tornado

by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

Sunday, April 15, 2018, I was returning to Greensboro, North Carolina after transporting my son back to college. Progressing down East Wendover Avenue, the sky rapidly grew darker; rain pounded like hammers against my windshield, winds began to gust unbelievably, the noise was frightening…and then all visibility disappeared before my eyes. Within seconds, trees were ripped from their roots and thrown about forcing me and all other cars away from the main avenue. Taking the first neighborhood exit only produced more mindboggling devastation. As I now sat trapped between downed power lines, trees and debris in every direction, it dawned on me that all of the oddities that had happened in front of me were from a rapid moving tornado.  I sat in my vehicle looking to the left, the right, behind me and in front of me; there were snapped power lines everywhere, there was no direction in which to drive. Massive trees lay across the streets; fences, doors, parts of houses, trash cans, lawn furniture, and unidentifiable debris were tossed all around.  I was less than six miles from my home and couldn’t figure out how to get past the wires that lay across all roads or dangled from their snapped poles; not to mention the other debris. I hadn’t previously felt frightened because I didn’t know what was happening. But suddenly I began to tremble and then felt panic as my other son had remained at home to do homework.

I wasn’t driving because there was nowhere safe I could drive. So I called my son, he said he was safe and that it had “only rained really hard” then my heart began to slow to a normal rhythm. Me, and many other motorists began driving on sidewalks, through yards and back and forth across medians trying to get away from this damage. As I slowly and carefully maneuvered under snapped, draping power lines, it occurred to me that these power lines were connected to home after home after home. And I realized I could drive away from this, but so many others could not…this is their neighborhood, these are their homes. Forty thousand without power, schools, churches, homes, automobiles damaged beyond repair, and at that moment I thought about how life can change in an instant. Our homes, neighborhood, health, and happiness can be turned upside down by something that is completely out of our hands.

Later as I sat watching the news, tears flooded my eyes, more from tenderness than from sorrow. Within hours of a tornado moving at 135mph, tearing across the ground for over thirty miles, news stations, emergency call centers, and the police department became bombarded with calls from people wanting to do anything to help. Emergency shelters were set-up, individuals and restaurants were pulling little red wagons filled with food and water bottles up and down the streets of destruction where no cars could travel. Pick-up trucks of individuals moved in with cases of water and supplies. The community rallied to do whatever possible to ease the heartache of those affected by nature’s force.

I do realize all of the aid that could exist can’t undo pain and devastation, but kindness starts the journey of healing a heart. These types of destructions happen, as well as personal pains along this journey called life. Seeing it firsthand; watching my body experience shock, panic, relief, sorrow and hope all in a matter of minutes showed me just how vulnerable we are. And I realized in those minutes just how much we need each other.

We need each other when devastation strikes. We need each other when we get bad health news, when our relationships end, when our hearts are broken when we’re lonely or sad – we need one another – because in an instant any of our lives can change. Thank you, Greensboro for being my home, and for being the people that you are.

 

What Is True Greatness? by @timewithtammy

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by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

Greatness is not what you have, acquire, accomplish or do – but true greatness is in how you love and make others feel. In the words of Maya Angelou, “People won’t remember what you did. People won’t remember what you said. But people will always remember how you made them feel”. Words, powerful and impacting fall easily from our mouths daily. Most of the time we aren’t actively conscious of our words and behaviors, they are automatic, part of our preprogramming. Our words are part of our thoughts, moods, actions, and attitudes. In fact, we have between 50,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day, and unfortunately, most of them are negative. Without realizing it, many of the words that come out of our mouth are harsh, pessimistic or judgmental. And why is it that so many of our words and thoughts are negative? Exposure and repetition are what creates the tracks in our brain and the patterns of our thoughts.

Take a moment and go all the way back to childhood and think about your exposure. Think about how you were spoken to, what judgments you learned, and how you heard people speak to or about others. Now think about your present exposure; the people you are around, the news you hear, the television shows you watch. Think about what is feeding your brain. All of those words, judgments, and attitudes have become, and are becoming part of your programming. You have become who you are based on what you are around.  And consciously or subconsciously you project all of that out into the world.

Not always, but for the most part, you can choose what you allow into your heart and mind. But you always get to choose the actions you take and the words that come out of your mouth. People really won’t remember where you live, what you do, or where you shop. They won’t remember whether you do or don’t have kids, where you went to school, or destinations you have traveled. “But what they will always remember is how you made them feel.” True greatness is creating a consciousness around how you live in this world. A legacy to leave behind is compassion, humility, tenderness, a beautiful smile, a gentle touch, and a gigantic heart. Kindness, love, and respect leave memories that last forever.

How A Positive Mental Attitude Affects both Health and Happiness by @timewithtammy

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How A Positive Mental Attitude Affects both Health and Happiness

by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

Did you know the cells in your body actually feel the energy of your thoughts, and women are prone to have a mental framework of highly stressed thinking? Tension, anxiety, depression, and stress are frequently reported emotions of women. Women tend to be “worriers,” over-thinking stressful situations. In today’s society, the typical stressors reported are things like: trying to find a parking space, traffic, phone battery dying, not having enough time, having to wait in line, misplacing or losing things, not hearing back from someone by text, and over scheduling. Then there are the big issues: finances, relationships, health issues, work issues, family stressors, and major life changes. Even happy events tend to stress women out – getting married, your child getting married, holidays and even planning a trip. Everyone can always find something to stress about, but choose how you deal with it.

Emotions not only impact your joy, but they also impact your health. An improved mental outlook can actually reduce your risk of coronary disease − ongoing stress, and negative attitude has been found to cause thickening of the carotid artery walls. People with worrisome or negative thought patterns have greater sleep issues; wake feeling tired and even grumpy. They are more prone to small illnesses such as headache, stomach and bowel issues, and have higher incidences of depression and anxiety. Negative thinking upsets the bodies hormonal balance, depletes the brain of those “happy” biochemicals, and damages the immune system.

Thought about a situation, regardless of how stressful it is, is mental attitude. Your mental attitude is chosen, and even when you feel it isn’t, you can learn how to choose it. A person’s overall contentment and happiness are largely determined by how they emotionally interpret and process information. One fourth (25%) of your overall happiness will be determined by how you emotionally handle stress.

So how do you begin to change your mental attitude?  You start by liking and believing in yourself, having hope and holding optimistic thoughts in your heart and mind.  Accept that sometimes things won’t go your way − and then choose to have a positive emotional bounce back. Look for what’s right in life vs. what is wrong. Believe it or not, a simple hug will release oxytocin which is that warm fuzzy biochemical. Hug that loved one, friend or four-legged critter every chance you get. Laughter, learning to relax and not take things so seriously; working to sometimes accept things as they are will reduce negative energy. Remember to have gratitude as most of us are surrounded by many gifts of life. Play music, dance for no reason at all. And the next time someone steals your parking space, showers down on their horn or “flips you the bird”; wave, smile and wish them well. Your life is meant to be enjoyed.

Big changes are important, but little changes can make a big difference. Your overall mental attitude will affect your quality of life; so why not choose a good one. A positive attitude is the fuel that keeps us active, engaged, curious, hopeful and determined…which are also the qualities needed to have an emotionally happy and successful life.

Leading with Heart: Why Women and Emotions are Good for Leadership by @timewithtammy

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by Tamela Duncan | Featured Contributor 

In general, women tend to come under much more scrutiny than men for facial and verbal expression in the workplace. When a woman displays the more feminine expression of feelings, she is considered weak or “too emotional.” However, when women present with harsh or aggressive “masculine” tendencies, she is judged for that expression. And if she displays no emotion, she is considered cold and detached. It is a traditional and perhaps even accurate stereotype that women are more emotional than men, and that emotional stereotype is believed to be harmful to women in leadership.  We as a society have become comfortable and complacent about gender roles and the expression of emotion – especially in the workplace.

We now know that men and women lead differently because their brains are literally wired differently. Not better, not smarter, but different in how they make decisions and problem solve. If we simply look at the left side versus the right side of the brain, we can understand how these differences come to light. The left side of the brain is the analytical and logical, while the right brain is more creative and intuitive. And you may have guessed by now; more men tend to address and solve problems primarily using the left-brain while women tend to fluctuate moving back and forth between the left and right hemisphere of the brain. What this means is, males tend to become linear and singularly focused pushing through problems, while women will think linear – pause – grapple with, and incorporate emotion and intuition.

The upside of women as leaders is they can and will read a room. It’s important to most women to know their audience. They pay attention to the emotions of others and will incorporate input. When emotions arise, it is a women’s natural instinct to respond.

To quote the words of spiritual leader Deepak Chopra, “Women possess some of the most important traits needed to succeed in business: empathy, tenderness, and affection. Without these characteristics, wisdom cannot exist. We could dream a new world into actuality, a more sustainable, kind, nurturing world.”

Utilizing that right hemisphere of the brain could be the best thing to happen in government, corporations, communities, and homes. So, don’t let anyone convince you that leading with heart is not displaying good leadership qualities; good leadership has compassion, tenderness, and sensitivity as that creates a spirit of togetherness and makes others want to follow.