by Emma Heptonstall
The 19th January 2015 is dubbed by some ‘Blue Monday’.
It’s the day when, statistically, we feel most depressed and stressed. Our post-Christmas credit card bills are in.
We’ve not had a drink since 1st January and that festive cheer is but a distant memory.
Oh, and then there’s the ‘D’ word.
I’m not talking ‘diet’ (the less said about that the better); I’m talking about divorce.
In truth, for many women, Christmas is not the fairytale we want it to be. It’s often a time of great emotional and financial pressure. Perhaps, like many other women, the spotlight has been shone on aspects of your relationship that frankly, you’d rather not look at.
That nagging feeling that you want out of your marriage just won’t go away and secretly, your New Year’s Resolution is to do something about it. That’s what I talking about.
Reality. Divorce is scary.
Your parents might have done it, and all you remember is the unhappiness, tension, and fights. Your friends might have done it and you’ve seen how they’ve struggled and the children have been affected.
Here’s the thing. Divorce doesn’t have to be that way.
In a nutshell, all divorce is just the legal dissolution of your marriage. The law once said you were married. Now your not. It’s the meaning that we put on it that causes the upset and pain.
I’m not saying divorce is easy; it’s not.
It’s about accepting the hopes and dreams that you had when you got married didn’t work out, it’s about accepting that life will be different. It can be about accepting yourself. Just the way you are.
Often women cause themselves problems because they make 2 fundamental mistakes. Avoid these, and you’ll find as difficult as it is, your divorce will leave you, your children, and even your husband in a better place.
1. You don’t take time to consider if you REALLY want a Divorce
The decision to divorce is huge. It’s up there with getting married, buying your first home, and having a baby.
It’s often the case that the decision to divorce is based on the desire to get out of an unhappy situation.
It’s not that you think divorce will make you happy. But you do think it will make you less unhappy.
However, if your desire to divorce is about the unhappiness in you, that unhappiness will be right with you on the other side of your divorce, stuck to you like gum on your shoe.
So. What can you do?
The first thing you can do before asking for a divorce is clear about your ‘why’. As a successful business owner and entrepreneur, you know that in your business, it’s important to be clear about your why. It’s what drives you. It’s what motivates you to work until the job is done. It shapes your business.
But let me ask you this.
How often do you consider your ‘why’ in your personal life?
The thing is, divorce can’t make you feel better about you. Only YOU can do that.
If you take time to look at your why, and realize that you are running away from you, get support and deal with those issues first before you call time on your relationship. Doing this will save you a whole load of heartache and it might just save your marriage.
2. You don’t take time to consider the type of divorce you want; or the type of lawyer you need
Women use a variety of strategies when choosing a divorce lawyer:
- They pick the most expensive lawyer because they think they’ll be better.
- They choose a lawyer their friends and family recommend.
- They just choose a lawyer at random and hope for the best.
Choosing the most expensive lawyer doesn’t mean they’ll be the best lawyer for you. Just like you, your lawyer has their own personality and style. Some lawyers are more litigious than others. Some work in a collaborative style. Others champion mediation.
You need to find a lawyer that ‘fits with you’. Going on recommendation is a great place to start, but it’s not the whole story. You wouldn’t pick a nanny for your children based on recommendation alone, would you? You wouldn’t pick one at random online and hope for the best.
So. What would you do?
You’d meet several nannies, and get a feel for their personality and style. You’d look at whether they were right for your children.
Why wouldn’t you do that when choosing a lawyer?
In reality, many smart women like you don’t; and it costs them time and money, and don’t even get me started on the emotional impact …
The type of divorce you choose and the type of lawyer you hire will have a profound effect on your divorce. Choose wisely. You are just as important as your children.
So, before you go headlong into asking for a divorce, check out with yourself that it’s what you REALLY want. If it is, research what type of divorce suits you best and find a lawyer who can help you.
Hi! I’m Emma Heptonstall, Divorce Coach.
I’m a recovering lawyer having served as a legal adviser for thirteen years. I’m also a family mediator, a job which love and I’m very proud of. I’m a certified MBit Coach, have a diploma in counseling skills and I’m an NLP Master Practitioner.
I developed Divorce Alchemy to provide divorce coaching for women who know that they need support to deal with the practical and emotional aspects of their divorce in order they make good decisions, which will support their lives as confident divorced women.
My story is different.
I don’t tell my clients that I know what they are going through. I don’t. I’m not divorced. In fact, for what it’s worth, I’m not even married… yet!
You are unique. Your divorce is unique. I get that. I help women because I’m not divorced. I’m not their sister, best friend, or mother. I’m not emotionally involved in their divorce and I’m not on my own healing journey.
I’m delighted to be able to write for sheownsit.com. I love blogging and sharing my stuff. You can read more go my blogs at www.yourfamilyfirst.co.uk/our-blog/ and you can download your free copy of The Smart Woman’s Divorce Guide at www.emmaheptonstall.com
I live in York. That’s old York, York UK and I coach women 1:1, either face-to-face or via Skype.
You can connect with me on Facebook and Twitter.